Life overwhelms me. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been thrust in the driving seat of a car that is running along a highway, a dangerous highway on full speed. There is no time to make yourself comfortable, nor a moment to assess the situation. Visibility is low, but some people have lights to guide them. It’s as though I’ve been put there and told to be focused, take responsibility, and save myself and others from trouble for it could be fatal.
Life is always, always asking me questions. Deep soul-searching ones which leave me more bewildered than before, and ones which I’m not prepared to answer at that point in time. For instance – what do you tell her when she asks, “Mamma, are you mad at Baba? You don’t like him anymore?” after we’ve just had an argument? What do you tell yourself when you know deep down you’re inadequate, immature and inept to handle the situations life throws at you? How do give yourself strength to face each and every day when you have no answers?
Sometimes the sheer weight of responsibility upon me stifles me, crumbles me inside. There is breathlessness, urgency and a silent plea which only Allah can hear. Please, please Allah. Hold me because I think I will fall. I know no other way except to wonder mesmerized at everything that’s happening and lurch to ungainly stops, or worse, lose my way. It’s You who has held my hand this far. I can’t take a step on my own – never did, never will.
I want to shout: Does anyone know how critical, staggeringly important each day is? the stakes are high because if I elevate myself, I will elevate others and if I fall, I won’t fall alone. I wile away life, and I fall, all too willingly, all too knowingly. I dream, dream too much. Mostly, I am a self-centred, egotistical, unpalatable human being who must, must find greatness within herself, if not for herself, then for those who’ve been foolish enough to trust her, or – have no other choice. So help me please, Allah. Before time runs out.