The utter silence around me is disconcerting. In a throng of people there are but a few voices that that talk to the ears of my heart. Inside my eyes is a great deal of vulnerability that I wish wasn’t there, a lot of pain I wish I didn’t feel. To me, my face is a reminder of the countless number of smiles I wish I’d been able to smile with honesty and as usual, lots of questions I wish I knew answers to.
Some emotions have a somewhat agonizing feeling of dejavu attached to them, and it’s the rejection – the repeated rejection that hurts the most. Tears of anguish are scared to fall for they will only be a testimony to my own inadequacies. The heartbreak that sears through me most of all is the one I feel because invariably, I expect things from people. I have expectations that are childish, far too optimistic and simply unreal. My bad.
Yet there is one house where I knock and the inflated expectations, the hope, the yearning is all justified. Just like a ray of light pierces through the hanging dark, dreary clouds, my voice pierces through the overpowering silence and I hope it will reach the ears of the All-Knowing, the All-Seeing. In a silent plea of regret, annihilated ego and heartfelt lamentation upon everything that happened I call out that All-powerful light to envelop me in its ethereal glow.
A love better than the one I yearn for, a happiness more intense than the very best this world offers and recognition far superior to that which I crave. Lost, confused, amazed and lonely, I stare up at the heavens, hoping I, with all my shortcomings, failures and faults will be held, accepted, loved. As I have been, every single time I have called with a true heart and sincere remorse.
My hands shiver yet my fingers continue to call upon that One deity worthy of worship. Please Allah, listen to my voice, sometimes broken as it quivers for want of eloquence, sometimes silent, unheard by any other except You. Help me, please – I’m a lost traveller thirsty for divine guidance.
(image credit – google images)